“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
You Might Also Like
I would totally waterboard you.
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
A horror movie short about a woman who is trying to work in a cafe and she slowly realizes the staff is setting up the room for an open mic
I’ve used my wife’s conditioner even though she told me more than once not to. Because I’m a rebel. A rebel with coconut dream hair.
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon