If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
Warm pools make me nervous.
🤭😂
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
Confused owl: What?!
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.