@Brampersandon_

If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.

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@david8hughes

I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.

@Tommytoughstuff

“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”

@IvoryGazelle

Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!

@allisonkilkenny

A horror movie short about a woman who is trying to work in a cafe and she slowly realizes the staff is setting up the room for an open mic

@Stevie_Talk

I’ve used my wife’s conditioner even though she told me more than once not to. Because I’m a rebel. A rebel with coconut dream hair.

@ranndrew

I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.

@dmc1138

If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.

@jonnysun

ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:

wat if harry poter was pokemon