Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.

Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.

Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.

Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭

Me: 😐☹️

Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭

I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt

9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?

Me: Sure.

9: Can I spend two nights?

Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.

Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?

I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.

[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.

“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”

OH COME ON

Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.

when you tell me to do something I was already about to do

Gross if literal…Liverpool

*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*

[first day in prison]

me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open

guard: what

Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.

Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.

Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*

Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*

Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?

Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.

People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!

A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime

Doormats are a gateway rug.

In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed

“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”

– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7

you can’t prove that threatening a toilet doesn’t work

I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding

being in your 30s would be so fun if you didnt wake up each morning with neck pain that suggests you slept hanging upside down like a bat

I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.

*puts bike helmet on 4*

my brain: now knock on it a coupla times

me: why?

brain: you just gotta

Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!