Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*yells from space*

Did you kill that spider?!

Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.

Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.

Them: “let me know if i’m ever annoying you”
Me: *10 seconds later “ok… well this is awkward”

What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?

“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017

[we both wake up in a panic]

her: i dreamed you died

me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM

My kids acting shocked there’s ants in my car like they’re not Hansel and Gretel leaving fuckin crumb trails.

If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.

My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.

Slamming into a lamppost in a robotaxi, staggering out and calling another robotaxi to the hospital which also immediately drives into a lamppost

People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”

Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?

Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc

fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”

-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you

My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.

If I ever went to jail for murder it would be for murdering my printer.

Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake

Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.

New skill unlocked

Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.

At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.

When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts

recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro

cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow

Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.

Disregard this if you are in prison.

calling a guy “my ex”

-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriend

calling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”

-true
-but makes me look pathetic

[first date]

Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.

Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.

Aries: The pain in your back is your skeleton trying to get away from the most annoying person in the world.

Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge

Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂