IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
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Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
An octopus approaches his arch enemy the cat with a gun in each arm. He hears a soft chuckle: “You’re one short, my friend.”
Fact: In the U.K., many Air Traffic Controllers don’t work in airports, but in buildings miles away. Whereas in France, most Air Traffic Controllers don’t work at all.
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
“Can we use a library meeting room?”
“What for?”
“Just a meeting.”
“Not a party?”
“No. Why would you ask that?”
“Well, the sheet cake and sleeve of red plastic solo cups does raise some questions.”
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.