@smarick: IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP'S BEHAVIOR "UNACCEPTABLE" BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
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@JakeNicholas: There's a man at the mall wearing cargo pants and a fanny pack, who I believe is in the process of becoming a suitcase.
@SergioValenCo: If a woman asks if you "notice anything new" tell her "I do, your beauty surprises me every day." Then continue thinking about velociraptors
@BruceForce: *shows buyers around my home* This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
@daemonic3: [graduation] ...and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear* [crowd cries] *dad walks in holding starbucks* "traffic, my bad"