IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
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“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
me as a parent
Geez man, take it easy.
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
Stick it to the man
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.