Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“i wish dogs could talk” not me. i don’t want to hear my boy calling people every slur imaginable as they walk up to the house only to become their biggest stan the second they are actually inside. impossible to respect someone so two faced.

Maths meets science

This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.

-talking to drunks & puppies

My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.

*survives trip to grocery store

*checks in as “safe” on Facebook

[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are

Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no

I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal

I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.

Men, it’s really simple. We want everything, but nothing, at the same time or different times, sometimes but not always.

Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.

My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”

Me:……….

Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen

hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”

These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.

Neighbor: What are you doing?

Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?

Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox

Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword

Me: *sweating*

My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*

I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.

Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.

1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively

What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf

DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.

All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.

Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this

Me: Want a back rub?

Wife: It depends

Me: On what?

Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?

Me:

Wife: No. The answer is no.

“How can I help u, Bowser?”

I need a loan

“For ANOTHER castle?”

A flying castle

“U have like 24 already”

IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER

I don’t mind that you leave me a voicemail, but can you finish your sandwich first?

After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.

Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.

I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”