IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
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There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
i don’t want fries. i want YOUR fries.
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*