Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car

unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)

Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.

“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly

My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it

“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.

BARTENDER: how do you take it?

ME: personally

[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week

When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.

I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.

The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.

As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.

Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.

Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.

PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.

Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.

Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.

Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?

[arriving in hell]

devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*

me: *starts eating*

devil: wait, how?

me: what’s your sign

chef: spisces

cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it

dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me

Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.

Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved

Producer: That sounds beautiful

Guy: The new kid is also a rat

Every haunted house movie:

Hey IKEA,

Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.

I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.

I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this

I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”

I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at

Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…

Yep, now he’s looking

It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.

The worst part about being drunk and seeing double is when you realize it’s just one slice of pizza

Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.