If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
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Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
A lil snack before dinner, Don’t knock it til you try it 🤷🏽♀️😭
there’s music for literally every activity
“and how does that make you feel?”
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
Still the weirdest shit to me how the mario movie did the “aw I just want my dad to support me and my dream” plot but instead of like being a musician, Mario wants to be a plumber. Which is a pretty grounded reasonable thing to want to do.
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
Eat…
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
Give us this day our daily internet validation
8 pm to 10 pm on a weeknight is the shortest that two hours can possibly be
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
why can’t i find normal clothes anymore why is it all either $5 for a scrap of polyester produced in evil ways or $200 for a basic shirt
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
Made a mistake by asking the toddler how many cookies she wants… now she’s pissed that I don’t have “ten hundred cookies.”
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
per my last wtf