If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
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As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
Breaking news:
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.