If I had a party I wouldn’t tell you when to leave but there will be signs.
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A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
WHO LET THE T-REX OUT OF ITS PADDOCK JESUS CHRIST DO I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE?
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.