If I had a party I wouldn’t tell you when to leave but there will be signs.
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My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
181.
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?