If I had a party I wouldn’t tell you when to leave but there will be signs.
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“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
forgive me baja for i have blast
Husband: Want to go for a run?
Me: You know I don’t run.
Also me: *sees a food truck and takes off running*
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
My mind is like someone dumped the entire junk drawer on a trampoline
@ candidates for local office
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
I just can’t think what this suitcase is the best thing since?
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
US: you need to build credit to show you are responsible with money
me: ok so my credit score will improve if i pay off a debt?
US: lmao
me: ?
US: are you serious
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
3yo (confidently): But Mommy, people do not eat cows.
Me: Uh, bud, we do. Hamburgers are made of cow.
3yo (uncertain laughter): Mommy, that is funny for pretend. But I mean for REAL.
Me: Yes, for real!
3yo (w/ scorn) No.
Me: What do you think burgers are made of?
3yo: People?😶
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?