If I had a party I wouldn’t tell you when to leave but there will be signs.
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When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die