Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[during sex]

HER: can you turn off the light

ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet

Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]

My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?

I’ve never completed a marathon, but I’ve listened to my mom tell a story, so don’t talk to me about endurance.

I’m embedded with a mall-walking group. Tomorrow, we’re splitting a Cinnabon eight ways.

ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.

COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for

Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.

a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention

Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.

9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”

Me: “Well,-“

9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”

Me: …

9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”

Me: …

9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”

If you’re over 60, don’t shovel snow

Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards

Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.

Husband: I’m sitting right here.

*stranded on a deserted island*

Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB

Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*

You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.

[book store]

ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*

CLERK: What is that?

ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.

Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!

Welcome to the dark side.
We have….

Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.

edward cullen in class having to learn about the spanish influenza for the 57th time like it wasn’t the thing that killed him

911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.

Me: I WASNT READY

Skills

[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone

Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot

I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.

Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.

me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles

dracula: venn

me: probably tomorrow

My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera

You make a compelling argument, Morty.

without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth

It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…