Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried

wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”

[yoga]

INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*

I was on a search party in the forest last night.

Bit of a boring party.

We found a dead guy though.

My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.

You can only push me so far before I breakdance.

I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.

[Day at the beach]

*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *

6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home

me: did you hear chappell roan sold out. she’s an industry plant. she’s a nepo

my wife: the baby’s crying

me: as he should be. it’s upsetting

T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R

Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.

Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.

Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.

if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm

for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again

Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?

9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.

LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan

the internet helped stupid ppl find other stupid people, making them all think it’s okay to be stupid.

What if there were a liquid that tasted like acidic, sour dirt?
– inventor of cranberry juice

[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?

I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh

If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”

Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.

“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”

I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.

Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.

interviewer: what are your strengths

me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it

interviewer: what about weaknesses

me: my mom’s a mess

Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.

My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken

just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father