Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah

I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.

anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death

“you won’t always have a calculator with you” yes I will. The real test should be whether or not I can finish the quiz without buying anything online

I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!

Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!

[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about you

ME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money

If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”

“This steak is really chewy.”

*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*

I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.

[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal

Dear Religion,

Pics or it didn’t happen.

Love, Science

stages of eating a banana:

– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now

Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:

• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych ward

It’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.

That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item

You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.

My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.

Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.

earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that

AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:

Waiting for toast to toast takes forever unless you walk away for 10 seconds, then it burns

me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken

The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.

when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures

me: I feel your pain

french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread

[me as a mechanic]

*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.

Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.

I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.

I said, “Do you comb hair often?”

The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.

Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.