Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: We’re all out of beef

CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken

ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?

black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow

“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”

– me, walking my dog at night

Benefits of dating me:

1. You’re the smart one

COP: Can you describe your attacker?

ME: No

COP: Didn’t you see him?

ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives

I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.

If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”

I know that now.

HR: Know why we called you down?

Me: Hmm…a raise?

HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?

Me: I’d like to report a hacking!

Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-

Me: Yes, I know…the drill.

When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.

He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.

~Dogs.

Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time

If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.

The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly

I lost my car chapstick so I’ll have to replace it with purse chapstick and I’ll replace purse chapstick with kitchen chapstick and I’ll replace that with bathroom chapstick and then that moves the bedroom chapstick…

I’m never going to recover from this.

ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?

BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?

ME: no, it’s a Civic

If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.

You’d think wearing a hospital gown in a pharmacy would insure prompt service, well I’m here to tell you kids, it does not.

isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange

I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.

[Joining a gang]

me: so who do I stab for initiation?

members: again, this is a book club

A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”

[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then

I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.

Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?

Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.

I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”

Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.

Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.

Yesterday my friend quit her job while dressed as Ellen Ripley. Then a manager had to stop and discuss a counter offer with HR while dressed as an emu. I love Halloween so much

In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”

Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.