Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on

It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.

Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling

Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?

You’re like a first job.

No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.

My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”

I only buy cookware with handles that somehow get hotter than the pan itself. This is the way.

Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.

The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots

I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.

Just found out my wife is pregnant.

Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus

Accidentally ruined my 9yo’s entire life because I said “toilet” too loud in a public place.

I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband

People who are bad at hiding, I see you

How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.

Always answer the door wearing a coat.
If you’re pleased to see them, tell them you’ve just got home.
If you don’t want them in, say you were just on your way out.
😁

I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.

You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.

Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.

Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?

Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?

Me- you said lets do Yoda together

H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE

M- VERY WRONG I WAS

[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day

When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.

HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*

Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]

I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.

It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna

The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.

RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.

ME: my clothes are getting smaller

WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight

ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this

[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.