Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bet Santa has 3 lists now:

Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.

I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.

-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”

Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.

You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.

-puzzle pieces breaking up

Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.

The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.

Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.

Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?

Me: you butter believe it : )

oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???

Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel

If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl

When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”

#LiesYourParentsToldYou

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail

some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows

I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..

Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.

Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.

The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper

“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”

She has a name you know!

“What is it?”

…Paige.

Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*

Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*

doctor: we had to remove your appendix

JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves

Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom

Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*

Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?

Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous

Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day

Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.

People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.

My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.

still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time

Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.

serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?

[feather on the ground]

4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!

Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.

4: I know. They fell off.