If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
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HR said no more nunchucks.
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
monkey is a funny ass word and whoever named them that really killed it those things are monkeys for sure
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
@funTweeters I am at your service….
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
“Ooh you’ve caught the sun”
Translation: I could make toast by placing bread on your face.
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
I know everything is expensive right now, but just remember correcting people’s grammar online is still free.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”