If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
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I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…