Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me

Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”

Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.

Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”

*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”

Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?

Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?

one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks

If you’re wondering what a mom brain is I just looked for the milk in the microwave.

Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.

How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War

Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*

It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.

[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em

If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.

me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?

kid: not like this

the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing

right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson

[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready

People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas

At noon, we ride.*

*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.

Do you think you’d make a good sniper?

[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•

i said it was my favourite show, i didn’t say it was good

I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.

My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.

Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.

My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.

–how I cancel dates

fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank

WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.

ME: Thanks.

WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.

Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.

I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE

“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.

But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.

“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”

But on he worked.