Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I ate a bag of Doritos and immediately followed it with half a giant bag of gummy bears and surprisingly enough I do not feel good now

My cousin and her husband fell in love despite playing for rival marching bands, and yet she refuses to write a romance novel based on the experience

Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”

An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination

[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.

writer: you know how cats chase mice?

producer: yea?

writer: this one has a twist

producer: *leaning back* go on

writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat

producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!

writer: i call it tom & jerry

producer: *wiping tears* those are my names

I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.

Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.

Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.

Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.

“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom

[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]

Make a banana annoying.

*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues*

*I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*

Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.

I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.

This can never not be funny 😭😭

I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.

It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.

on da cob, we all corn

Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.

I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.

In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.

I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.

[touring beyonce’s house]

me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it

The One that Got Away… a memoir of a french fry lost in a crevice beside the driver’s seat and the aroma that made it impossible to forget.

Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.

Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.

I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!

That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants

“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.

Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know