If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
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When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
“Can you put it all in an email?”
Translations:
1. I haven’t been listening
2. I have been listening and what you’re saying is important, but I simply won’t remember it all
3. I have been listening but you’re going on a bit and I’d like you to go away now
4. I want a…
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
I carry a pebble with me to throw at people who start Christmas stuff in October.
I call it my jingle bell rock.
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
My one-year-old niece has started saying “bye-bye” when she wants people to leave. Honestly, I’ve never been so influenced by a toddler before
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
Mad that at the end of BatB (Beauty and the Beast) the breaking of the spell turns all the furniture back into the Beast Prince’s staff and they all just continue to work there??? Buddy you’ve been a wardrobe for so many years why don’t you go and be free
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?