Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I dreamed I won $10 million on a slot machine so you can imagine how thrilled I was to wake up and get ready for work.

Said hello to someone, they didn’t hear me, immediately assumed it was some sort of sixth sense situation

Proctology is located in A55

1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.

1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!

2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*

Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.

Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.

Thank you

This device could predict incoming phone calls.

I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.

*ignores high blood pressure*

Well, my evening plans are ruined

my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed

nurse: name?

me: david

nurse: age?

me: 35

nurse: sex?

me: almost once

i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head

replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof

Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.

[tearing off our clothes]

Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.

*kicks flip-flop through her TV*

a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class

[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*

Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.

Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.

UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.

Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.

My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.

Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.

HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?

in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on

The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.

I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.

Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!

Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?

Me:

Son:

Me: There are only 2 things to fear

Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home

Brownies: you lied

“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”