Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”

I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.

Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.

I call this the Heineken maneuver.

you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…

me: fork.

Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.

My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.

Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?

That contouring makeup doesn’t work on my belly.

[after winning scratch off ticket]

*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*

Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown

I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.

Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.

Me: I can’t wait!

RM: You’re fired.

My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger

Teacher: Name the five senses

Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashion

Teacher:

Me: *counting on fingers* What?

[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real

He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower

Mountain Goat : )

[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive

Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.

Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.

Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?

(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?

Kid: Where do babies come from?

Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.

Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?

Me: When a man and a woman…

Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet

Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?

His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers

3% human
97% stress

Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese

When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.

Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4  kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away

I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here

Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant