If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
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*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
How do books end up in a prison library? Do they have to do something bad like giving someone a papercut?
Me: I’m going to turn the fan with this screwdriver after you push that button, okay?
Friend: *reaching for button, pausing* Um, this won’t electrocute us both, right?
Me: Probably not.
Friend: PROBABLY?
Me: It’s an imperfect world. Now push the button, please.
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
I’m taking my teen driving so if I don’t make it back just know my last words were probably “HIT THE F’ING BRAKE!!!”
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”