If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
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Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
The second world war should have been called world war returns
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
I’m listening
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me