If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
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How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
My daughter has this stuffed animal that you can heat up prior to cuddling with. I always feel like a psychopath doing this
Two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving. Better start defrosting the beaver.
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
Reporter: *ports again*
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
When I was a kid, we weren’t allowed to use our phones in school.
Mainly because the cords wouldn’t reach.
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
My first day of student teaching my pants zipper broke. I stapled that bad boy shut… carefully.
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
Got kicked out of reincarnation club for yelling yolo
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.