If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
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There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
Happy Halloween 🎃
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
this has done me in for some reason
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
My 20mo came in while I was giving 4yo a bath w a bath bomb. “Pink bath?” She asked, dumbfounded. My husband took her to her room but seconds later she came thundering down the hall, pointing, blinded by the injustice, “PINK BATH!!” She yelled and tried to climb in fully clothed.
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”