If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept

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[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months


I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.


Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*

Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*


ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs

DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant

ME *scuttles closer*

DATE: 6 of them



– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into


Just saw you on the beach and think you might look better in something that covers you a bit more. Like your car.


If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”


Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.


As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose


People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.