@DrakeGatsby

If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept

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@david8hughes

[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months

@betulesairafi

I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.

@GingerHotDish

Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*

Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*

@ArfMeasures

ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs

DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant

ME *scuttles closer*

DATE: 6 of them

@iwearaonesie

“Shhhhh”

– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into

@GaryJanetti

Just saw you on the beach and think you might look better in something that covers you a bit more. Like your car.

@LivibelsDada

If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”

@LoveNLunchmeat

Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose

@Dawn_M_

People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.