Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.

Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.

Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.

Doc: Stop eating pizza.

Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.

Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugar

Me too kid, me too

Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then

In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.

Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE

Me: *opens door*

Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka

I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.

In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will

“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus

Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?

Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.

Child: I’ll ask mom.

10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22

– Parallel parking my time machine

Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.

Today on a tram, I told the driver that I loved Puerto Rico and he told me he shot two people who were breaking into his house there after hurricane Maria and left the island to evade charges and why does this stuff happen to me

If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby

Olympics, but with real life skills like who can build the tallest pile of trash on top of the can to avoid taking it out

I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.

My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.

Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…

Wife: “Bad day?”

Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”

Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”

please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers

Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.

Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still

People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.

I went to a job interview, and it didn’t go well.

How was I supposed to know HTML doesn’t mean how to make lasagna?

I mean, I don’t know how to make lasagna either, but they didn’t know that.

A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.

If you’re going to see Nosferatu in hopes of there being a spongebob cameo dont even though waste your time. He’s not in it

It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.

Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏

Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*

Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.

Her: oh.

I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.

“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR