If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
You Might Also Like
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
I just squealed when I saw my daughter brought home 2 lost water bottles from school. This is my life now.
crying at my desk while also finding time to cry in the shower makes for a healthy work-life balance
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.