If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
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Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
philosophical skeletons be like
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
Nice to have free crisps in the hotel room and these look definitely fit for Consumption.
I got soap in my shower beer again.
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.