Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
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If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
This is no longer winter this is harassment
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?