Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.

[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.

Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.

Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling

Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?

If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.

just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times

All I’m saying is if you’d told 15 year old iain his inbox would be full of robots, he would have been STOKED

What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?

*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*

*watches people scream into the box*

That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.

[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”

If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think

Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken

It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii

Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.

Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.

*steals machine parts all year*

*gets coal for xmas*

“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”

*turns coal into diamond*

why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce

Rubbing your own eyes good n hard is awesome, but the thought of someone else doing it for you is horrifying.

The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.

Imagine being a fly on the wall in the closed court where Rupert Murdoch is suing his own children. You’d be the most ethical creature in the room.

impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.

Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.

Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.

I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.

take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there

all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough

Did you know?

A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.

And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.

I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do

Of course I’m English.

I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.

Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*

Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?