If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
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When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
Wolf: [in sheep’s clothing] let me in
Pig: nope
Wolf: [walking away] this costume sucks
I send people away….far…far…away (I’m a travel agent)
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”