If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
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FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
Krampus.
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama