If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
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He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day