Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*

just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf

Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?

Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.

So my rum and raisin cake is gluten free.

It’s also raisin free.

And cake free.

OK it’s just rum

I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.

WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER

the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve

Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.

Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.

may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning

[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.

Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist

Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything

Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?

ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy

No, you’re not getting it your honor

The ladies call me Space Mountain…

…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.

Wooooohhhhooooo!!!

he was correct

Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”

When you put it that way… 😂

The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK

Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable prices

Cons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press

Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’

One time a grocery store clipboard guy was going too hard so I said “I’ve got fish in the car” and the weird level of specificity shut the whole interaction down. Now I use it all the time. Can’t talk, fish in the car. Works even better if you’re not at a grocery store honestly.

get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind

if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done

Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat

#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺

gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it

HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-

ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.