Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.

[Petco]

INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.

ME: Like a mermaid?

INTERVIEWER:

if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent

[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s

No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway

“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”

Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.

Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.

What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?

Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”

My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.

Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.

Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?

Pharaoh: i actually love this

[Having a tea party]

Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*

Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”

domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?

me: tell him to be ready to wrestle

“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day

[before humans were invented]

animals: this is nice

Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.

mom: you’re grounded for today

me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me

[10 years later]

amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm

I love when someone is like “I’m funny because I have trauma and it’s a coping mechanisms” and it’s like ok not to add to your trauma, but you’re not funny

the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane

💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?

There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.

‘Just Do It (Yourself)’

NIKEA

Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.

Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.

Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.

DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”

ME: “I understand.”

DOCTOR: “Exactly.”

I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name

This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’

I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.

It really gets her snickers in a twix.