If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
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Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
when you order from DoorDastardly
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
Self-cleaning conscience
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
our love story in four pictures
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.