Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.

This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*

99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.

Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?

Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.

*a horse walks into a china shop

“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“

[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*

employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress

me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]

[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP

Why is everything so sticky?

-parenthood

“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”

*Checks soles of both my shoes*

“….left, ladies.”

Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?

If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.

Person: How are you going to get over this curb?

Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.

It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.

[ 35 years later ]
*sits bolt upright*
OMG SHE WAS FLIRTING WITH ME !

In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.

*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*

Sir, you wanna box for those?

“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”

Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)

As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren

My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate

*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*

ME: Good morning, world!

CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.

i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious

For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear

“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.

My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.

I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”

me: can I get a job application

mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience

me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these

Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.

..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.

Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow