A hot mess? No, thanks. Sounds sticky and uncomfortable. I prefer my messes like I prefer my revenge: cold and served to someone else.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
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Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
*Open up, police!!*
“NO YOU’RE GONNA YELL AT ME.”
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
It sucks when I congratulate a woman on her pregnancy only to have him quickly correct me
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
“She must be shy” is probably what I say to myself the most when a woman abruptly moves across the country after talking to me.