If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
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I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.