If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
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[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
*lint rolls you awake*
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
In Canada they just call them geese
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
WTF
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
