Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.

*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM*

*Husband runs into bedroom*

H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?

Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.

Hear toddler having meltdown at Target

Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.

Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.

To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰

What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.

Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.

Scans first item.

Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”

A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.

Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.

What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??

Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.

*cops finds my loose floorboard*

Cop: What’s under here…

*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*

Me: I’d like my lawyer now.

I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket

FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby

My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?

I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long

Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”

My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”

A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.

No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.

Waiter: would you like a water?

Me: ew, gross.

Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?

Me: tempting.

Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?

Me: [nods] indeed.

I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.

Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?

If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.

By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”

[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC

You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..

In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.

We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.

Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.