If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
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[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
Does this dress make me look cat?
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me