Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?

People who have a protected account but comment on tweets, I have one thing to say to you:

I’m pretty good at math (counting) except when I’m counting out a limited number of broken crackers for a diet. “Oh, this one’s broken. So that’s a 1/2 and 3/4 and another 1/2, ok that’s one.”

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i can cry

professor x: on command?

me: no just when i’m sad or whatever

professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?

me: nope

professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?

“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon

Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday

Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*

If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.

It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.

Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….

…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless

My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.

I think about this often.

*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?

why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.

Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*

SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP

Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.

WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?

ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?

I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.

keep reaching for the stars, kid:

(God creating coyotes)

God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.

Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?

Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles

My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.

Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want

When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.

And they do.

And I am.

I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.

The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.

*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*

i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy

“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.

That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.

Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.

Rudolph with your nose so bright/help me find my phone tonight

whenever I see a lady mail carrier i’m like ok slay that’s a woman in a mail dominated field

lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake