Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.

can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture

Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September

zone out

I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out

There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.

I have worked as a chef for over twenty years, and I can confirm that the “correct” way to cook scrambled eggs is whichever way makes you happy.

My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.

Kids have so many food allergies these days.

In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.

Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉

My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER

Me: yeah ;(

THIS IS A REAL BOOK R U SRS ???

[God Creating Raccoons]

God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food

I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.

friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours

me: yeah so

friend: maybe u should turn it on

SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.

ME: *Shows him twitter*

SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.

I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.

before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’

after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’

I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?

Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019

Choose your fighter!

He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”

She said: “What? Like…today?”

john wicks are toilet candles

“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”

– John F. Kennedy

gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!

I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”

STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves

i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone

Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.

How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer

Are the people in charge of naming the Valspar paints ok?

Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit