If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars

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Everyone “I learned a lesson ”

Me: “Imma do it again!”


SANTA: Mhm, and I see here that you have the power of flight, which wo-

SUPERMAN W/ ANTLERS TIED TO HIS HEAD: Look, I really need this job.


Me: Most of all, remember to be kind to yourself. You deserve it.

Neighbor: If you don’t stay out of my heating duct I’m calling the cops.


*covers himself in nutella to hide his body heat from the Predator*


Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything


I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,

“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”

It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.


Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.


“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”