If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
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Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?