If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
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I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
is this how new cars are made??
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
Smells like a challenge to me
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store