If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
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Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
Beautiful woman who approaches my friend: Hey! You’re the father of one of my kids
Friend: Listen I got a good life, we both agreed it was a one time thin-
Woman: I’m his English teacher
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
Maybe your dog is barking at my luggage because he doesn’t enjoy his job, officer.
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Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
Saw your ex at the shops
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.