If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
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My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
@funTweeters I am at your service….
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”