If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
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I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
I could totally take Beethoven in a fight even if he wasn’t dead.
My birth announcement for our third baby
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
I’m reading a podiatrist handbook. All it contains is footnotes
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
(watching the shower scene in Psycho) I’d kill for that water pressure
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.