If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
You Might Also Like
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
Paranormal investigator: “Who’s there?”
Gen X ghost: “Your mom.”
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
Today seems like as good a day as any to start drinking some of these 99 beers on the wall
Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured
logging onto twitter…
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
Huge, if true.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
I learned about self care from watching my cat.