If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
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*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight