if i had an evangelical homie i’d be doing this all the time
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[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
Do they award purple hearts for injuries playing* laser tag?
Asking for a friend.
* Dropping the gun on your foot while putting on your vest.
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
me in my 20s with my 60 year old back pain
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.