if i had an evangelical homie i’d be doing this all the time
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My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
You can get out of a TSA pat-down much faster if you keep whispering the word “slower” in the agent’s ear.
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old