if i had an evangelical homie i’d be doing this all the time
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if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
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I still have Pringles?
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
“i’m a top” “i’m a bottom” okay well I’M gonna pop some tags, only got $20 in my pocket
a Classic™️that i have been reminded of..
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
Apologizing after bumping into a mannequin is embarrassing, but apologizing a second time is significantly worse when the mannequin moves and you realize you just said “sorry, I thought you were a person” to a live human being