If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
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My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
Breath mints make me sneeze. No, I don’t need that one back. I have others. Sorry about your eye.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
Me: Honey, doctors say you should stand up and walk around every 30 minutes.
Husband: *stands up*
Me: Could you grab me a water while you’re up?
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
me: *clicks Add to dictionary*
microsoft word: yeah definitely doing that 👍
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.