If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
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Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
I make one little mistake and now my pharmacist adds, “by mouth” to all my prescriptions labels
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
No I don’t watch TikToks, I watch Instagram reels of Tiktok videos that were popular two weeks ago, like a grown up
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years