Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”

INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?

ME: Probably my communication skills.

First rule of Botox club:

Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.

10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?

Me: Well, son …

[to be continued]

I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.

Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble

Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first

Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.

11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.

Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.

It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.

I like my jims slim and my chances fat

*7 talking to my father*

7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?

Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.

Person: *falls in love with me*

Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.

Person: ok cool, never mind.

Go hard or stay average

I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?

Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…

Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.

Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.

STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS

People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it

Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?

3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?

called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs

How’s my day going?

If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.

i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself

Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.

All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.

[walking somewhere]

My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!

A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…

Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.