If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
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7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
My boyfriend’s bike was stolen out of our backyard today. It was meticulously locked up around our fence, so you might ask me “Kaitlin, if it was so meticulously locked up on the fence they how did they steal it?”
That is because they also stole the fence.
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
I’m so glad that I made the right financial decision in 2018 and ditched my $89/mo cable package so that I can now pay $83/mo for YouTube TV, $23/mo for Netflix, $16/mo for Disney+, $13/mo for Paramount, $15/mo for Prime, $10/mo for AppleTV, and $21/mo for HBO
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
Don’t go keto, go pirate. Rum, fish and beef jerky diet 💯
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
In 2020, five African grey parrots at a wildlife park in Lincolnshire had to be separated after they were found to be encouraging one another to swear. The park’s CEO commented, “We are quite used to parrots swearing… but for some reason these five relish it.”
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.