Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*

Went to get coffee for a coworker.

I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.

Walk of shame

Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up

Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*

Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.

making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this

“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out

Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.

My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.

I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.

When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!

to the tune of ‘everybody dance now’ himalayan sea salt

Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!

Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear

Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?

here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome

I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!

Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.

Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward

Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise

Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty

please don’t get up in the snake’s face to see if it’s more diamond or oval

just leave the danger noodle alone

sincerely,

a medical toxicologist

A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number

Brought home almond milk from the grocery store

My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….

Me: No

50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”

20-year-old: “What’s a check?”

I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.

[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?

Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.

Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.

hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy

me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke

Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*

13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.

Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.

Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”

I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.

If you need a laugh.. 😅