If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
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Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
Meat Cute
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.