If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
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I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
Dollar General is too expensive for me. I’m looking for the 50 Cent Lieutenant Colonel.
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
