If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
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Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
being too stressed isn’t good for the baby.
i’m not pregnant though, its just that i’m the baby
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
Accidentally bought a pound of unsalted butter so, if I’m your Secret Santa, well…