Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.

Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.

I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.

Love is in the air fryer.

WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.

ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?

Went fishing and actually caught a fish. So now I gotta deal with this shit

I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.

“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat

Me: *points to donut case*

Her: How many would you like, ma’am?

Me: Yes.

I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.

4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone

ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway

WHY would you be happy about this?

I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.

I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.

OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/

I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.

Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.

I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1

Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”

Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.

1st graders: *crying

Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.

When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…

I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.

Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.

Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.

Be the elephant you wish to see in the room.

Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.

6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆

of course babies cry when flying, their entire understanding of planes centres around them being eaten

My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.