Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes

You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes

How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.

Eggs benadryl my favourite

Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.

Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea

Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid

[INTERVIEW]

HR: What are your strengths?

Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*

HR: Wow-Weaknesses?

Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*

{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.

“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.

i think only bears should have the right to bear arms

Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.

Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying

My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.

imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.

Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?

Me: I think that’s a myth.

Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.

Attention Walmart Shoppers –

There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12

Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.

Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.

*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL

Hey kids,

Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves

– adults

I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY

Guy: I want to be more than friends

Me: like business owners?

me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any

also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it

6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope

6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet

6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry

6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?

“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”

Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*

Priest:

Me:

Priest: Look she might come back

I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no

In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.

Sure like to know that story

People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.

Doctor’s visit today. They gave me a cute little light blue paper gown and I froze to death…