If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
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The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
Started answering all spam texts/calls of “is this so and so?” with “no, this is Patrick.”
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
Everything is arbitrary to kids so you can invent any rule you want, just present it as a normal rule. We wear a seatbelt in the car. We wear a helmet on our bike. We wear a disguise to the bank
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone