If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
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HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
Things will get butter, keep churning
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
Go to another app where everyone is happy and nice to each other? Gross, why?
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
This is always good for a laugh.
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
Cashier: “Have a great day!”
Me: “No thank you.”
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
Just picked up half the middle school boys basketball team to take them for burgers after practice.
Not enough febreeze in the world to fix this car now.
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
