If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
You Might Also Like
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
When I was young I fixed my parents’ computer and now that I’m older I fix computers for my kids. Are we the only generation that knows how computers work?
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
TWEET CALL
Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️
seriously you guys
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?