If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
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Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
Today I learned that you’re supposed to pee on a jellyfish sting and NOT a jelly stain. So my apologies to the lady at Dunkin this morning. I was only trying to help
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
Be the unknown suspect that you want to see in the world
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
Don’t let the woman with a smile on her face fool you … Oikos High Protein Yogurt tastes like feet.
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.