If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
You Might Also Like
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
Sliding a piece of paper over to the bank teller that says, “I have no money.”
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
“Go big or go home” bro that’s literally the easiest decision of my entire life
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
Olympics, but with real life skills like who can build the tallest pile of trash on top of the can to avoid taking it out
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
(Musicians.)
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish